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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29527530">Of Recklessness and Water</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/onemechanicalalligator/pseuds/onemechanicalalligator'>onemechanicalalligator</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Community (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Boys Kissing, Confessions, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slice of Life, mention of vomiting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:40:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,995</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29527530</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/onemechanicalalligator/pseuds/onemechanicalalligator</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just another Jeff Winger eating disorder fic</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Of Recklessness and Water</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title is from "Nightswimming" by REM because it was stuck in my head while I was writing this and also it's a lovely song.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeff and Abed have gone on exactly six dates when Abed finally sits him down and asks him about it. It takes Jeff by surprise -- he thought he’d been keeping a pretty good lid on things. But now they’re in Jeff’s living room, just returned from dinner together, and Abed is staring at him with a look he can’t quite place, and he’s not sure if he likes it, and he has a sudden craving for a glass of scotch.</p><p>“Can I ask you a question?” Abed asks, and Jeff nods reluctantly. “What goes through your mind when I ask you out to dinner?”</p><p>“Like how do I feel about going on a date with you?” Jeff wonders if this is a Relationship Talk, and his stomach turns over.</p><p>Abed shakes his head. </p><p>“No, like...what is the thought process that causes you to stare at me like a deer in headlights for a minute before you force yourself to smile and say, 'sure'?”</p><p>Jeff can almost feel the blood draining from his face, and his hands start to shake, and he clasps them tightly together. He opens his mouth to speak, but he has no idea what to say, how to explain. All he can think is, <em> I’ve been trying so hard, so fucking hard, and I still messed this up. </em></p><p>He raises his eyes up to meet Abed’s and tries to somehow convey to him that he doesn’t have the words for this. He shakes his head a couple of times and takes a breath and then uses his hands to cover his nose and mouth, breathing out slowly. His brain feels like a TV test pattern, an analogy he thinks Abed would appreciate, but he can’t tell him about it because he’s too busy <em> losing his damn mind. </em></p><p>“Jeff,” Abed says, and Jeff gets the impression it’s not the first time he’s said it. He tries to focus on Abed’s voice, to stay present in the moment. “Jeff, it’s okay. You’re okay.”</p><p>Jeff is shaking his head before he even knows what he’s doing. He’s <em> not </em> okay, <em> nothing </em> is okay right now, Abed asked him a simple question and he’s freaking out and it’s <em> embarrassing, </em> and when Jeff explains what’s going on it’s going to be even <em> more </em> embarrassing, and Abed is going to <em> leave </em> him, why do the important people always <em> leave-- </em></p><p>He feels the couch cushion move, and he realizes Abed is now sitting next to him. There are a few inches between them, and Abed’s hands are in his lap.</p><p>“Can I touch you?” he asks softly, and Jeff nods and closes his eyes, and then Abed is right next to him, their thighs touching, and Abed’s arms are wrapping around him, pulling him close, rubbing his back and rocking him slowly. </p><p>After a moment Jeff realizes he can feel Abed breathing -- he’s taking deep, exaggerated breaths, creating a model for Jeff, and Jeff puts all of his energy into mimicking him, breathing with him, until his head stops spinning and his hands stop shaking and he relaxes into Abed, ignoring everything else in the world.</p><p>Eventually, Abed speaks. He doesn’t move, doesn’t let go of Jeff, doesn’t look at him. Doesn’t change a thing, and when he does speak, his voice is quiet and kind.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”</p><p>“You didn’t,” Jeff murmurs. “I upset myself.”</p><p>“I shouldn’t have said anything, though,” Abed says. “It’s not my place to be prying into your business. I just...I was just worried. That’s all.”</p><p>“Why were you worried?” Jeff asks, turning his head slightly.</p><p>“You always seem so...freaked out, when I ask you to dinner, and I don’t ever want to make you feel that way, not on purpose, not ever. But I think I was dishonest with you, when I asked about it, because I think I <em> do </em> have an idea of what’s going on, I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Except then I did anyway, so…”</p><p>Jeff is sure Abed doesn’t realize it, but he’s tapping frantic patterns with his fingers on Jeff’s back, and Jeff can tell he’s starting to spiral a bit. So he does his best to pull himself together, and he sits up, and he takes Abed’s hands in his own. </p><p>“What do you think is going on?” he asks, avoiding Abed’s eyes as he twists their hands around so he can lace their fingers together. </p><p>“I think you say you’re on a low-carb diet because it’s socially acceptable,” Abed says. “I think it gives you the freedom to make unusual food choices without anyone calling you on it.” He lifts his hand, still holding Jeff’s, and lifts it to his lips. He kisses Jeff’s knuckles. “I think it’s a bigger deal than you let on. I think you pretend everything is under control when it’s not. I think…” Now he does look at Jeff, and he purses his lips. “I think it’s a problem, and I think you know that.”</p><p>Once again, Jeff is speechless. He lets go of Abed’s hands and wraps his arms around Abed’s waist, curling up against him, hiding his face, his shame. Already, Abed is taking those deep breaths again, like he <em> knows, </em> he knows Jeff is falling to pieces. Burning with humiliation, he still breathes along with Abed.</p><p>They’re both silent for a long time, until Jeff feels like he’ll die if he doesn’t say <em> something, </em> so he starts to talk, and once he starts, he can’t stop. He doesn’t even think about what he’s saying, he just says it, just goes with it and tries not to listen to himself.</p><p>“When I was a kid, my dad was really hung up on my weight for some reason. I think he was embarrassed to have a fat son. He used to comment if it looked like I’d gained any and he would watch what I ate and pass judgement on it, saying I was eating too much cereal or whatever, and it just…” Jeff can’t bring himself to meet Abed’s eyes, so he stares at his lap. “I mean, I guess that’s when I started hating my body. And myself. And you’d think maybe it would have gotten better after my dad left us, but he was already in my head by then. I still hear him. All the time.”</p><p>He pauses briefly and then continues on.</p><p>“In high school I just tried to eat as little as possible. Which was bad, because I’d get so hungry, and I’d end up eating a bunch of junk at the end of the day and then throwing it up in the shower. After a while, I started keeping journals. I would track what I ate, and the calories, and I made rules for how many calories I could have, how many I deserved. I was obsessed, and if I messed up, if I went over the allotted number, I would have to do extra exercise, and if I didn’t have time or energy for that, I would make myself sick, or I would subtract from the next day’s calories.”</p><p>He takes a breath.</p><p>“For a while, not long after high school, I was dating this girl, and it was going really well. We’d been together for a few months. And one day we were messing around at her apartment and I don’t really know what we were doing but for some reason she started trying to get me to eat a chocolate chip cookie. And I didn’t want it, it wasn’t part of my plan, I had already eaten my calories for that day. So I said no. And she jokingly shoved the cookie in my mouth, she didn’t think it was a big deal, she wasn’t trying to be mean, but I <em> lost it. </em> I spit it out, and then I completely freaked, and I don’t really remember what happened except that I yelled a lot and I ended up on the floor somehow, and eventually I just kind of fled.”</p><p>He finally looks at Abed.</p><p>“I don’t know how not to be like this,” he confesses. “That’s why I panic when we go out to dinner and hide behind fad diets. I don’t shove my fingers down my throat anymore, but I also don’t know how to be normal about food, and it fucking terrifies me.”</p><p>Abed scoots over on the couch and then helps Jeff to shift so he’s laying down with his head in Abed’s lap. Then he begins to run his fingers through Jeff’s hair, grazing his fingernails gently across his scalp, until he feels Jeff relax.</p><p>“That’s a lot,” Abed says, his voice soft and soothing. “I’m glad you feel comfortable sharing with me, and I appreciate it. Have you ever told anyone those things before?” He moves his fingers to Jeff’s temples and massages them lightly. </p><p>“No,” Jeff sighs, feeling safe enough to let his eyes fall closed. “Not, uh…” He clears his throat. “Not even in therapy. It wasn’t for lack of trying,” he adds quickly. “I just could never get the words to come out.”</p><p>“Do you want to get better?” Abed asks, and Jeff can tell it’s an honest question, Abed isn’t accusing him or trying to lead him in a particular direction.</p><p>Jeff stays quiet for long enough that he starts to feel awkward about it, but Abed doesn’t try to rush him. He leans down to kiss Jeff’s forehead, then goes back to playing with his hair. </p><p>Jeff’s eyes are still closed when he finally whispers, “I don’t know.”</p><p>“Okay,” says Abed in the same calming tone. “That’s okay.”</p><p>“It’s really not, though,” Jeff argues. “I should know for sure. That I want to get better. It’s not that I like living like this, I just--” He lets his mouth fall shut.</p><p>“You just don’t know how to live any other way,” Abed guesses.</p><p>It’s only because he’s got Jeff’s head resting in his hands that Abed is able to discern his nearly imperceptible nod.</p><p>“Jeff,” Abed whispers, kissing Jeff’s forehead again. “You’re not alone. I’ve got you.”</p><p>Jeff curls up tighter and turns so his face is pressed against Abed’s abdomen. Abed can feel the warmth bloom on his belly as Jeff begins to cry.</p><p>They both know the conversation is over for the night, but not forever.</p><p>They stay there, just like that, until Jeff rolls over and wipes his face with his sleeve, and Abed silently helps him up, wrapping his arm around Jeff’s waist and walking with him to the bedroom. Jeff sits on the bed while Abed grabs pajama bottoms and a t-shirt for Jeff and another set for himself, then disappears into the bathroom, and Jeff appreciates the privacy while he changes. When Abed returns, Jeff tries to ignore the way his clothes hang off of Abed and goes to brush his teeth. When he comes back, Abed is sitting on the bed.</p><p>“I can sleep on the couch,” he offers, but Jeff shakes his head and turns down the sheets, and they both slip into bed. </p><p>Jeff reaches over to the nightstand and turns off the lights. They’ve never shared a bed before. Never slept over, except that time they got drunk in Abed’s dorm room freshman year, but that was a very different dynamic.</p><p>“Goodnight, Jeff,” Abed says, and starts to turn on his side.</p><p>Jeff stops him, though, reaching out and pulling him close, holding him tight, kissing him hard on the mouth. When he pulls away he curls himself around Abed, spooning him, one arm around his waist. </p><p>“Thank you,” he whispers, and Abed gently pulls on Jeff’s arm until they’re as close as they can possibly be, tucking Jeff’s hand between his ribs and the mattress. </p><p>“I’ve got you,” Abed says again in reply. “I’ve got you, and I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>They fall asleep like that.</p>
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